Your Online Source For Hilarious One Liners, Funny One Liners, One Liners, Jokes
Here are some examples:
We’ve been having trouble with foreigners ever since we came to this country.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
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TheMan: Go E-flat yourself? I’m not too # but I don’t C it.
Q: What’s the difference between a sperm bank and a regular bank?
A: When you make a deposit at a sperm bank, you lose interest!\
Q. What is the ultimate kind of rejection?
A. When you’re masturbating, and your hand falls asleep.
Q. Lovers celebrate Valentine’s Day — what do masturbators celebrate?
A. Palm Sunday.
Q. What is the most sensitive part of the body during masturbation?
A. Your ears — to listen for footsteps
Q. What is the definition of a tough competitor?
A. In a masturbation contest, he finishes first, third, and ninth.
I need something that will make me laugh! If someone can give me a website or a bunch of funny one liners, i would really appreciate it! But please no super long ones, or question and answer ones. Thanks! 
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men’s restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."
Q: How do you know you’re leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let’s just be friends."
Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don’t work.
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don’t get some support soon, people are going to think we’re nuts.
Q: Why don’t bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A **** that stays up all night.
Q: Mom’s have Mother’s Day, Father’s have Father’s Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday
Q: Why is being in the military like a *******?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Q: What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?
A: Hair balls
Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive
Q: What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
A: Come in five flavours
Q: What is good on pizza but bad on *****?
A: Crust
Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork
Q: How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
A: By sticking your finger in his honey
Q: What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
A: Both can smell it… but they can’t eat it
Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: What’s the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snow blower coming.
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky’s cheeks so puffy?
A: She’s withholding evidence
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What does a dog do that a boy steps into?
A: A lump of ****. no wait.. pants.
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy
Q: What do you call an amish farmer with his arm halfway up his horses ***?
A: A mechanic
Q: Why did the elephant paint his balls red?
A: So he could hide in the cherry tree.
Q: What is the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A giraffe eating cherries.
Q: Why does santa have such a big sack?
A: Cos he only comes once a year.
Q: How do you define a "tough girl"
A: She kickstarts her own vibrator, or she rolls her own tampons
Q: What do you get if you cross a nun with a computer?
A: A system that won’t go down.
can anyone give me good one liners to tell at certain moments at a given time, for example
(weird al music is playing on the radio)
Me: does anyone have any benadryl
Person: why
Me: because im allergic to bad music…
i need to put it in office signboard. Thanks !!!
Wanna hear some one liners? no? yeah i read them anyway.
I’m a bartender/amateur comedian and I want that comedic personality to shine through on my resume. What are some funny one-liners that are still professional and "resume appropriate"?
For example:
I can read and write in Spanish but asking me to speak it may require an all-expenses-paid "business trip" to Cancun. 
-OR-
I love the bartending more than Snooki loves her spray tan!
-OR-
Under "Awards and Recognitions" put something about how I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes
You get the idea, right? Most Bartender and Comedian jobs are about personality. I want my resume to show that I’m funny and entertaining. Although I respect your opinion to keep resumes "strictly professional", I would REALLY appreciate more funny resume one-liners.
Thanks!
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